Shades of Meaning

I used to consider independent and self-reliant synonymous; in my mind they were equivalent terms. After residing in Siem Reap for six weeks, however, I realize my almost error in diction and definite error in thinking. Even though there are similarities between these two words, their fundamental differences hidden beneath their shades of meaning prevent synonymy.

What is it that characterizes someone as independent? The lexicon authority, the dictionary, attributes the following to an independent person: someone who lives their life “free from outside control, [is] self-governing, not influenced or affected by others, not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence, capable of thinking or acting for oneself, not depending on something else for effectiveness, freestanding.” My personal definition echoes the dictionary’s in that I characterize an independent person as one who is stubborn, stays true to personal ideals and values, and is not so paralyzed in the thought of risk or failure that they their convictions. I also viewed independent people as such because they rely on their own actions to accomplish the things that they deem valuable and necessary. Perhaps, then, an independent person is also self-reliant?

The authority on words defines self-reliance as “reliance on one’s own powers and resources rather than those of others.” While self-reliance is defined in a fraction of the words of independent, my experiences in Siem Reap have taught me that conciseness does not reflect ease, because while independence has multiple facets, something concise like the definition of self-reliance may take longer to understand and employ. Although there are allusions to self-reliance within the rhetoric of independence, their shades of meaning differ just enough to make all of the difference.

Before jet-setting over twenty-four hours aboard four separate aircraft to live in the shadowy remains of the Khmer empire, I considered myself to be independent. Am I stubborn? Without a doubt. And although I do have fears of rejection and being judged, I strive to live by my values by using them to guide the decisions I make every day, no matter how big or small. When I live by my values, I know that I will feel at peace. So I guess the fact that I’m interning alone in Siem Reap for seven weeks is a bit of a testament to my independence. That seems fair. So now the question remains, if it embodies independence does it embody self-reliance? I no longer think so.

By reflecting on my reactions to the sights I have seen, the sounds I have heard, the funks I have smelt, the people I have touched, and the thoughts that have crossed my mind, I’ve come to the realization that I am not self-reliant. I have not yet found my own power and resources. While I embody independence in some ways, I continue to thrive on the power infused in me by those who surround me with their love, their care, and their friendship in the little ways that I cannot find words to describe. So can I characterize myself as someone who is self-reliant? No, and while I may have a different answer in the years to come, this might just be who I am, and I think that I’m ok with that.

To be perfectly frank, this blog seems to epitomize exactly what I’ve been trying to explain. I have literally been pondering and typing away at this entry for a week now, and it’s as though I’m afraid to post because I haven’t had enough time to explain my ideas in a succinct way. It’s not as though I haven’t had time to write it after school or while relaxing on my day off… it’s just that at those particular moments the little connections that infuse love and care made themselves salient to me through emails, skype messages, facebook pokes, and even via excited voices on the other end of late-night skype/cell chats. And maybe it’s not a bad thing that I get my energy and inspiration from the people that surround me. While it’s tough to live without them in a world geographically opposite from their own, things are not as different as I often think. While thousands of miles and time zones stand between physical proximity, I know I remain in the thoughts of those who inspire me even while I’m here doing my thing in Cambodia because no matter how small those little connections mean the world to me.

And I realize that I shouldn’t have the attitude that I can only be sure that people care when I receive their text message or email or facebook wall post. Because even though a random message as simple as “hey how are you?” can completely turn the day around, what’s been truly heart-warming is learning that I don’t need constant reminders of the importance of my friends and family within my life. Their support and hope and love are much too big to be captured and adequately expressed within an email; the power and zeal for life that they infuse in me is much more powerful than anything that can be put into written words or an electronic box on the computer.

In understanding the difference between independence and self-reliance, I’ve learned the shades of meaning in my life spark from the people who surround me, those who influence me and inspire me. Even though I’m independent, I know that the power derived from their care and love is something so powerful that I will never be able to generate it on my own, let alone live without, because it’s something that I value more than I can say. The people in my life have created opportunities for me to become a better person, to make better decisions, and have helped to mold my values. I have to thank them all for making it all that it has become. To those who have infused your care and your love into my life, even if it was via an endearing smile, a warm hug, a friendly text, a long-winded email, a fond memory, or most importantly, in simply being in my life, you continue to create my shades of meaning, shown in the actions that I’ve chosen to take and the person that I continue to become. I cannot thank you enough.

Miss and love you all!